date: Saturday, April 16, 2005 @ 10:35 pm
title: Tight..
Life can never be as tight as now.
I never like to disappoint people now, 'cos I was a disappointment then.
Thus I tried my very best to fulfill every responsibility that comes into my way, intersecting with my desire to pacify any negative outbreak. I pushed myself to accomplish every activity that awaits for me, sliently.
Church. Family. Friends. Myself.
That's how I prioritize. But there are days when all 4 come clashing with each other head to head and I as a normal human being has 24 hours as well. Not that, I'm complaining or being very unsatisfied with it. But sometime, I might be viewed as a very superifical person, just want to entertain people on the surface. On the other hand, it's not the very case.
I grew up in a very controlled and commanding family.
Respect is a big issue between my parents and I, and especially now when I dun see them that as often. Respect demanded - eats into my very core of my soul. This whole 'respecting me' thingy generates fear inside of me...
At times, the vibration of my mobile sends chilles into my spine, behind that caller might be my parents. Luckily, I have caller ID which saves me alot of trouble to contemplate whether to answer that phone call. As usual, the call checks on me...
How irritated I can feel, but I will use a bit of my peanut brainjuice and excuse myself to a rather quiet corner to calm myself before answering. Especially at times, when I'm into conversation with my friends den this phonecall just will just dampen my mood and spoil the rest of my day. All these call checks make me feel despised and not being trusted.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
Mum's always does that becos she's feeling guilty not being able to be there for me when I was young, when I need parent support, when they are invited for parent sessions. Now, as a JC student, she still pack my 'lunckbox' for me, afraid that I might be hungry in school and never fails to remind me to eat lunch and not starve. I'm still a child in her eyes.
Today.
My morning quiet time was rudely interrupted by her questioning what I have spent on for the last few weeks and had to put down my guitar, took out my receipt book stapled with tonnes of bills and the records on my expenditure. One by one, I marked the withdrawal amt in the account book.
Later in the morning.
I was donned in my ususal slacks, Nike yellow-mix-black singlet and 3 quart-trousers, and left home. BAM!!! my phone was vibrating. Mum was on the phone. 2 minutes of rebuking for not letting her know that I was gym-ing with Joshua and it just turned me off. I took in deep breathes and out. I apologized for my 'ignorance' and promised to drink her soup that she had prepared since dawn. >.<
Gym.
I felt terrible. I felt inferior. I felt soft. I felt flabby. I felt like a weakling.
Men were carrying dumbbells that had several rings attached to both ends of the handles with circumference as large as my head. And boys like me on the other side, reducing the weights attached to the machines that some were twice as heavy as me. Men before us, who had used the machine gave us a second look when we just immediately popped onto the sits, preparing to build those fats into muscles. But smirk when we gave out a slip of moaning after forcefully exert on the hand bars to lift the fellow blocks of black coated weights that didn't successfully move a speck at all. I had to humbly crouch by the steel and metal-made machine to rise the pin to reduce the mass. 2 sets of 12 per machine. Exploited I was as I struggled to finish the 2 simple sets with my aching muscle was weeping with sweat all over me.
Mugging.
Joshua and I camped @ the nearest Long John Silver to mug. Othello and Math Induction were laid on the top. I was drilling Othello text into my mind, as I took advantage of Joshua's IPod and I solved his MI question... ain't I arrogant. I ordered ice lemon tea for a change.
Church.
Prayer meeting. Yeeha!! I found another reason to long for revival. Invade SA!! Floodgates of vision rushed into my stranded life. I'm alived and kicking.
-Light laughter coming from the living room-
I think it's time to call it a night.
Thou I got lots to blog.
I got another longing day tomorrow.
Weird prophet's rallying youths to stand up for what they believe!!
